Bound and Unbound

May 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm (Death and Dying, Living, Living With Chronic Illness, Mental Health, Spiritual) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

What we Westerners have come to know as “Enlightenment”, a state of union with All That Is, can also be translated into English as “Unbinding”, disconnecting the self from all that holds it back from communing with the Universe at large. It is important to note that there is a distinct difference between loving something and being attached to it. Attachment comes from the fear of loss; we desperately cling to something because it feels like it is valuable and somehow that adds to our own sense of value. Love is ephemeral and, when applied correctly, comes with few or no real attachments. So unbinding ourselves from the attachments of this world means losing our fear and seeing our value as intrinsic, rather than based on the things that we own, the places we frequent, or the people we surround ourselves with.

Pagans have conceptions around the word “bind”. We think of a binding spell or working as something done to keep someone from engaging in maladaptive or destructive behaviors. We bind people whose magickal decisions we disagree with. We bind politicians who fight to silence us. We bind the visions of the past to keep them from tainting our future. It is an ending, a banishment, the making of an outcast. When I have a bad breakup, I bind the ex from influencing my future in any but the most positive ways. (No, it doesn’t always work.)

We also spend a lot of time “grounding”, binding our energies to the Earth. People who seem focused, centered, and in the moment are said to be grounded. We think of those who are too open energetically, unfocused, vulnerable, and slightly disassociated as being in need of grounding. People tend to ground after a ritual or other ecstatic experience. We value an attachment to the Earth; it makes us feel purposeful and connected to the flow of energy that comes from it. However, this can also work against us. Those who are too “earth bound” tend not to be open to visions, or to work magick, or to influence the flow of Wyrd. “Block heads” (a terrible term, but one that is used in my local community) lack the ability to experience possession, and that is sometimes due to an over-attachment to their bodies, or being too tightly tied to the Earth.

So it was with an interested eye that I thought of this concept, this idea that Enlightenment=Unbinding. And as I wrestled with this idea and this entry, more and more facets of it came to light. It makes perfect sense to me that Buddha would see that a sense of complete non-attachment is equal to achieving the highest state of spiritual bliss and insight.

As I think about dying, I look at the attachments I have that I am wary of losing. There are aspects of life that I am definitely not finished with and will be quite sad about if they are radically different once I am no longer bound to a meatsack. Most of my attachments are in the shape of relationships and sensations; and then, I look a little deeper, and I see the Gods stripping these things away already, in slow and careful strokes so as to not arouse my suspicion. It was only as I started looking into this whole idea of Unbinding that it became clear to me. I do not feel as though my fear is being worked away from me, however; I do fear losing these things, but I do not feel stronger when they are gone. I mourn them, all the time, and I do not feel whole now that they are gone.

It started with my birth family. Over time, I have grown further and further away from them. I probably only see my mother once a year, if that, and my sister less, and my brothers even less than that. My half brother I now only see at family functions so laden with expectation that for one or both of us to skip it would be taken as some sort of statement (like my grandfather’s funeral). Now, they are like fictitious characters that I interact with in a very conceptual way; I speak to my mother on the phone, I read my sister’s Facebook updates. But really, they are voices and words; and they only see the parts of me that fit into a short conversation or a 140 character update.

Then my social circle shrank from feeling quite expansive to very intimate. Granted, I “know” a lot of people, but very few of them actually make the effort of spending time with me in the flesh or even in something slightly more intimate than reading a blog entry written for the general public. I can probably count on two hands the people I see between big events on anything resembling a regular basis. Now, I know some of this is me, and my body dictating my calendar; some of it is also that I have become much the introvert as time has gone on. I rarely go to big social functions out of any sense of community obligation anymore; I go if I feel like going or if there is a specific reason to be there.

As for my intimates, I remember somewhat fondly when I had so many “date nights” that I yearned for a simple “laundry night”; now I sit at home while Ninja goes out with his girlfriend or to a game night. The only relationships that are local enough for in-person time are Ninja and Rave, and both of them have active lives and other loves (or potential other loves) to spend time with as well. I have two long distance relationships, but rarely do I get any real intimate time with either of them unless it’s so orchestrated it’s practically rehearsed.

So I look and see my attachments to people slowly fade away. I make silly, sad comments to Ninja all the time about how I think a month after I am dead, people will likely barely remember anything good about me at all. He tells me I am wrong, but I have seen other people in my social circle die and fade into the ether. And there’s part of me that thinks that’s the right thing to happen. One person I can think of who died was practically trapped on Earth in spirit form after hir death because hir people kept “remembering” hir over and over again. Sometimes unbinding is an important step. Sometimes unbinding leads to ascension.

Then tonight, while once again I watched Ninja eat something made with chocolate and gluten and think, “What do I have left, in terms of sensations?” I remember when I was a smoker, I would tell people that I smoked because I was a hedonist, and it was more important to me to die having experienced the good sensations in life than to live a longer life without them. Not that I want to take up smoking again, but this moment of craving made me think hard about the sensations I have left. Some of the things that are gone are better off gone: I’m pretty proud of having quit smoking, but it’s not something I’d like to do again. Of all the “bad” choices I can make, not smoking is pretty easy. But now I have lost two things that are key to my enjoyment of having a body, and I don’t know how to fix it.

The first I have lost by choice. I’m doing this paleo-esque diet because someone I trust has said that they think good things will come of it. I’ll say this much: I have not seen a reduction in weight, or blood sugar numbers, or pain, or fatigue, at all. Now, it may be that the intersection of this diet and me needing surgery was unfortunate, but I also tried acupuncture while detoxing off of fentanyl, so it’s not like I can create three medically uncomplicated months in order to try a different approach. And there’s plenty about this diet that is easy for me: I don’t miss most grains, although rice would be nice to have once in a great while. What I miss is decadence – and for me, that is very closely tied to sugar. The few times I have cheated on this diet, it has been not for cheese or bread or potatoes, but for sugar. I have not had the experience of losing my taste for sweet things; if anything, I feel acutely aware of that lack all of the time. And not just went Ninja noms some chocolate donuts; I dream about eating ice cream. I literally broke down and cried I wanted a milkshake so badly. I went to my favorite diner and stared at the dessert case, fantasizing about ordering two or three different things all at once.

Whatever makes you happy, kid.

I’m a fat kid. Food has been there for me when nothing else has. When I was poor, I couldn’t have comfortable clothes or bright, shiny toys or even a functional bike; what I could have was three ice cream sandwiches, if I quietly took them from the freezer when no one was looking. I could have as many of those terrible frozen pizzas we’d get in bulk from some wholesaler or donation place. As I have grown older, I recognize that sometimes I eat for the “wrong” reasons, but we all do things for the “wrong” reasons.

The other thing I have lost is sex. This didn’t leave by choice; it snuck out the back door and left me a note saying it would be home in a few days, but never returned. It started when I lost my libido. A combination of pain, fatigue, and dysphoria made sex complicated, and no one likes complicated sex. So for about six to eight months, I could care less; I thought that was terrible. But then it got worse.

My drive came back, but things in my relationships had adapted to me not wanting so much of the sex, and trying to get things back on track have proved, uh, challenging. I’ll be forthcoming and say that right now, it’s been almost two years since I’ve had any sort of sexual activity where my hitachi wasn’t the focus. And that is much worse than not wanting it, because at least when I didn’t want it, I still got messages from lovers and the Universe that I was sexy and desirable. Now I feel invisible and forgotten and I don’t know how to fix it. I have tried to radically accept my relationships the way they are, but at the same time I can’t force my girlfriend, who would oblige me in a heartbeat, to suddenly drive nine hours, abandoning her wife and children, so she can come fuck me silly for a week. Nor my partner, with whom I’ve never had much of a physical relationship with, suddenly decide to change his decision making process where he puts me nearer the top of his priorities.  And my poor spouse, who suffered the most when I dried up, is now having his own struggles; I can’t show him any less compassion than he showed me.

I look at my day to day existence and I’m kinda foggy on why having a body is a good thing anymore. I don’t get to use it for the things that bring me pleasure at all, and I’m not really interested in trying to find new ways to evoke those feelings. I know, I know, some people find solace in vigorous exersize or fasting, but neither of those are really options for me. I spend more and more time in disassociative states, through meditation and watching television and generally having a dissociative disorder. I disconnect from being a meatsack, unbind myself from being grounded, and yet I feel no closer to being Enlightened.

What attachments do I have left? What do I fear? I have been watching two different portrayals of men who, upon learning of their cancer diagnosis, make interesting, wild life choices to make up for the doldrums of existence up until then. (Breaking Bad is one example; the other is the last few episodes of House, MD.) How can I let loose, go wild, celebrate the fact that I’m still alive? I can’t go eat the food I want, or fuck the people I want, or spend the money I don’t have, or rent a car and drive aimlessly away from all of my obligations. And worse yet, I don’t have the convenience of a clear diagnosis to explain my behavior anyway. (I do think I might be able to pull some of that off if I could say, “I have cancer” or “I have AIDS”.) Not that I want these things, per se, but having a diagnosis unbinds you from the expectations of the living, and frees you onto the plain of the maybe-dying. I get to be grounded; Ninja won’t even let me talk about dying with him, much less try to convince him to add crazy adventures into our lives under the pretense that I don’t have many more days where leaving the house and doing crazy things are an option. The predictions for my future are pretty dire.

I stand at a rather complex crossroad. I have an intense, heart-gripping crush on someone, but I haven’t told them for a number of reasons; one of which is because I don’t know if starting a new relationship is the kind thing to do to someone. My diet choices are my own, and I can say Bugger Off and go eat a Vermonster, but it’s not like the plan set before me made no sense – it does , and is sensible, and has a lot of merit. I just don’t like it very much. I could resign myself to no more sex in this lifetime – just take it off the table so I stop thinking about it altogether – but someone would have to communicate this to my hormones and my genitals so they stop asking. (I now think I know what it’s like to be a young boy experiencing erections outside of his control, because my body doesn’t know the appropriate time to remind me that sex is fun, so it happens at the weirdest moments, like during a life insurance ad.) I could dive in, retie myself to living life, and risk more attachments; or I can fly out, move away, and detach and remove until there’s nothing left at all. Neither sound like the right choice, but I don’t see much middle ground, either.

In some ways, I feel very unbound. I see lots of things I used to feel very attached to, whose presence in my life defined who I was and what I was here for, taken away or having been given up. I have very few actual ties; other than friends who might miss my presence, I could disappear tomorrow and the hole left wouldn’t be all that big. Already in my life have I literally left everything I owned and everyone I knew behind and started on another journey; I know I have the strength to do it again if it is asked of me. When I was told that I do not have much time left to breathe air and dance around fires, I knew that part of the reason I was given that information in advance was so I could disentangle myself slowly, prepare myself for my departure, which is actually something that brings me great comfort.

At the same time, I am completely bound to this plane. I have big plans for the next year, including three book projects, a super secret project that I really hope falls into place, some kick ass teaching opportunities, and other life experiences that I feel very connected to. I have unresolved business in the form of relationships that need tending, and exploring, and finding that sweet spot of interdependence that brings me joy and pleasure. I have much to teach, not only the general public, but my apprentices and students and others. I know that I need to leave a very big legacy; ways for people to access my voice for years to come.

I have been accused of being Enlightened. I am, at my core, a deeply spiritual person of faith. My faith is one of the most important parts of my life, if not the most important. I see the interconnectedness of many things that others do not, and that vision gives me insights that others crave. I am blessed to have a fairly clear and accurate “god phone” (two way communication with Gods and Spirits) that I use to facilitate others having a better, more deeply rooted experience of their own spirituality. Other people have used words like Guru and Bodhisattva to describe me; inside, I think of myself as a fellow journeyer who happens to have a better map than some – and not even the best map, or Gods forbid, GPS. I use the words Shaman and Spirit Worker because Loki told me that I had to; I had to use words others understood so clients could find me. (“Shaman” still sometimes rubs me the wrong way, and sometimes I wish I could use a more traditionally Norse word for the job instead; however, I work with clients who worship all sorts of Deities.)

I have also been accused of, spiritually, not knowing my ass from my elbow. That my insights are not all that earthshattering, and my practices can be dangerous. Heck, there is even one detractor who thinks I’m a sociopathic predator who seeks out impressionable people to turn into sex slaves. (I am not exaggerating.) I work extremely hard to remain humble, and to emphasize to those who idolize me that I am merely a meatsack just like they are. I work closely with Hanuman to remind myself that the servant is as holy as the king, and most of the time moreso. I know I get lost sometimes, and think that I know the right answer or have the only right opinion, but the Universe is pretty swift at kicking me in the asshole when I do.

So all this leaves me to wonder where I really am in this journey of Unbinding, of Enlightenment, of really seeing All That Is in a way that my head organ meat can understand. I don’t know if giving up everything that is perceived as unhealthy to my body has done me much good overall. I am still confused as to whether I’m actually as prepared for what lies ahead for me, both physically and spiritually, as I think I am. Heck, sometimes I can barely figure out what time it is. But I accept that this is an ongoing process, and the process is sacred. The process is the Work; the products of that process don’t matter as much. We get too attached to the end results, and overlook the holiness of liminality. And it’s in those spaces where the real insights that matter are found.

17 Comments

  1. Kate said,

    Listening, and reading, and witnessing. Paying attention. Wishing there was more I could do, or be, or help with. In the meantime, a tiny thing: your use of images in your posts has been beneficial for reading. Sometimes, it’s a visual break when there are lots of words, sometimes it’s a poignant image, or a funny one. Sometimes it’s a chance to breathe and digest what you’ve written, especially the hard stuff. But in any case– please keep using them.

    • dying for a diagnosis said,

      Yeah, I like the images a lot too. Thanks for noticing their addition. I do a little googlemancy in finding them; rather than looking for something specific (like “person bound in rope”), I image search on the concepts the entry is about (“Unbinding”). I almost always find something appropriate.

      I do worry, since I do not do the legwork to find out who owns the images, but I am hoping that if they see I am not profiting from this blog in any way, they most they will do is issue a C&D, which I would be happy to do.

  2. Alex said,

    I’m over here, reading. A lot of what you wrote touched me in a variety of ways and I find myself identifying with little bits of what you have written. I wish there was more I could do for you and I wish I wasn’t so far away so we could hang out more.

    I think you should go for your crush. I’ve seen you write about them in a couple different forums and I think any person who you have a crush on would be lucky you have you..and, if it possibly brings a bright spot to your life.. I know that can be scary, though, and it’s easy for me to say sitting over here.

    I care about you a lot and I’m sorry things have been extra hard the last couple days. Thank you for writing this in spite of all that. Much love to you..

    • dying for a diagnosis said,

      I would love it if we could talk more directly about a visit. I know I get to see you soon, but I’m a greedy bastard.

      I’m very much considering what my next “crush related” move will be. I am planning to make a decision about whether or not I’m actually going to tell them in the very near future. Then I just need to figure out the right way…

      • Alex said,

        Definitely let’s talk about planning a visit.

        I prefer email for all things that make me slightly uncomfortable. That way I can wibble about what I’m going to say before sending and rewrite a thousand times before sending if I want..and I don’t have to see the other person’s reaction which, for me, is a good thing. Good luck!

  3. Heathir said,

    Del,
    Lately when I read your blog, I find much with which I can relate.
    And this one…this particular entry touches upon several specific things that I’ve been struggling with, especially a sense of …disconnection. So even though I don’t usually comment (yeah I lurk, usually too chickenshit/discombobulated/shy or whathaveyou to comment) but this.
    It feels like I’m witnessing something unfolding in my head when I read this.

    And it makes me feel less…alone? So I had to connect, to say, don’t close up yet.
    And even if it’s for selfish reasons that I don’t understand, I won’t soon forget.
    Thanks for writing this blog.

  4. zenlizard said,

    >Heck, there is even one detractor who thinks I’m a sociopathic predator who seeks out impressionable people to turn into sex slaves. (I am not exaggerating.)

    Thank you for the humor; this post really did need some comic relief in the middle.

    -zenlizard

  5. Tricia said,

    “I’m a sociopathic predator who seeks out impressionable people to turn into sex slaves. (I am not exaggerating.)”

    You mean I missed out on my chance to be one? Damn :(

    Seriously – I’ve just started reading and lurking. I feel sad that I’m not the crush as time spent with you is always time well spent (any chance you’ll be at FSG?)

    As for binding and unbound – does this mean that you’re walking on Earth as an unbound? As you lose your connections, I can understand the frustration that the spiritual connection is not increasing. Maybe that’s not the point. Even our spirituality binds us, labels us, dictates certain paths/actions. Is the point of this to be just breath? Not breathe, but the noun breath. Enlightenment implies connections, even if it’s just in our minds – connections between thoughts, people, actions, future, past, love, lost, etc. What’s before enlightenment but after the process has begun? Breath, in my opinion.

  6. Renee said,

    Reading. Wanting to say more, but not knowing how.

  7. eliseharris said,

    Good luck with the paleo diet! I started it when I was sick last year and it helped a lot.

  8. Divine Twin Diversions said,

    Amazing post to read, thank you. The Unbound concept is different and I’m going to ponder that one for awhile.

  9. Elizabeth said,

    Hey! I will remember you when you’re gone. I don’t forget my friends, and as for the hole not being that big? Ahem.There will be a Del-shaped hole that nobody else could possibly fill — and not just for physical reasons. You are irreplaceable.

    Also, there will be no one to order to be offer pho, or oppress me with Uber Domly Domness.

    • Elizabeth said,

      I meant “no one to order me to offer pho.” I guess I deserve to be chastised for that *shuts ears in oven door*

  10. Robin said,

    I’m doing paleo too now. I’ve cut a LOT of stuff right out. you aren’t alone. I went to Trader Joes today, holy cow I made it out without some of my worst offending treats…

  11. Salena said,

    Beautiful blog. I understand their is pain within your words, but without pain there can be no joy. Your words touch. Thank you.

  12. Salena said,

    LOL- there, not their :)

  13. バンズ シュプリーム said,

    supreme スニーカー

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